Monday, September 6, 2010

¨Wherever you are, be all there¨

Living in Ecuador makes me feel bipolar. At times, I’m so excited about everything and so thrilled to be here, and at other times I get that dreamlike I’m-falling feeling causing me to mentally lash out in search of something that will keep my head above the water, and I lapse into wishing I were somewhere else, or even someone else-someone who is better at all of this-less clumsy, more confident, someone who has got it all together…but I’m not that person. I’m the person who lost my phone the second week, put salt in my coffee, and ripped my sink off the bathroom wall.
It’s an infierno florido. It’s the best and the worst. I’ve already had some amazing experiences, but even still, my mind often wanders elsewhere. I adjust slowly. It took me at least a year to feel somewhat comfortable when I went to Soka. I don’t have that much time here. One month is already behind me. Did I utilize it to the fullest? I have learned so much, yet I’m still living in my head…in the comfort of my English thinking brain.
“Wherever you are, be all there.” I read this quote in a book from the shelf in my room. It’s a small phrase in a letter from a missionary in Ecuador to his future wife. I can’t get it out of my head, so I’ve made it my creed, but… it’s not at all easy. Sometimes I don’t know where to draw the line. I’m stretched across the world, connected to people far away that I could never severe communication with without losing a part of myself. I so desperately want to stay important in their lives. But is there enough left of me for me to be all here, in Ecuador, making new friends, starting from scratch, building a life that inevitably steers me away from everything I knew before? I do not think I have to be divided. I believe there is a balance, but this balance is difficult to achieve. This belief that there is a balance is just a faith on my part, a hope that if I apply myself here wholeheartedly, then something amazing will come out of it here and with the people across the globe that I hope will do the same wherever they are, and when we meet again, all our fears of change will have been for naught and we will be all the stronger. This is my wish…that wherever you are right now, that you will be all there, that you will have enough peace to understand that there are things that are out of your hands and there are things that are in your hands, and it’s what you can physically see and the people that are around you and this day that has been appointed to you as your responsibility. Every day is a gift.
August 31st
I have now been attending USFQ for 1 week. I’ve made a lot of Ecuadorian friends, albeit the majority of them are guys. I have 3 Spanish classes on Tuesday and Thursday that consist of Lengua y Cine, Conversación, y Lengua y Literatura and my day spans from 8:30 to 3:00. I will also be volunteering with a young boys’ soccer team to teach them how to run effectively on those same days. The rest of my week is less fast paced. On Mondays, I have 3 hours of Taller de Joyeria, which is making jewelry out of silver. The other day I made an “H” out of a gram of silver, but I hope I will be improving a lot because honestly, it’s kind of ugly. I’ll be getting tutored in Spanish on Wednesdays and my Fridays are free free free.
I’ve been struggling a little bit physically. After returning from the coast, one of the cuts on my foot became infected. I didn’t really think anything of it other than to complain that it hurt, but then two other infected cuts appeared on my feet and I started dealing with a sore throat. Then, my chin broke out into big, ugly, nasty, crusty infections and…now there’s quite a few on my face and even one on my elbow and it has made me feel a bit less than pleasant and it certainly is not beneficial to one’s self esteem to attend their second week of classes in a new university with a band-aid on one’s face. Just saying.
Rewind to last week. I like spending a lot of time at the university. I actually didn’t have class on the first day, but I went anyway to meet with my director, and I’m glad I did, because I met a lot of new friends that day.
I also finally met up with Agnes last Friday after she had been in Quito for 2 weeks for quite the hilarious reunion. We agreed to meet for lunch (shawarmas!) but it took us a substantial amount of time to find one another. Our phone conversation went something like this:
H: Where are you? Do you see the man in the middle of the street with the chair?
A: What? No. Do you see the man dancing in the street in the crab costume?
H: The what costume? No. Which side of the park are you on? Are you on the west side?
A: Where is west?
H: The mountain.
A: Oh that’s west! Good to know…no I’m not on that side.
H: What are you wearing?
A: A gray sweater, but it doesn’t have any sleeves.
H: So a gray vest?
A: It’s not a vest!
It’s a miracle that we did actually find each other. After our delicious shawarmas and the owner giving me a hug and telling me that he loves California and that I can have a free shawarma next time, we walked in the park and talked about our dear beloved class of 2012 <3 and all that we had experienced in Ecuador thus far.
Agnes pretty much lives in a mansion. I also think it’s worth mentioning that while my Spanish is quite limited, it felt pretty good to hear her host mom say that she thought I was from Ecuador and that I didn’t have an American accent.
We went to a posh Ecuadorian house that night and then to a club. Conclusion: Agnes is crazy. But everyone already knew that.
Looking back, my weekend was actually pretty hilarious. I took a salsa lesson with my cousin and then went to my favorite salsa place again. I always feel a little intimated at first because everyone there is so good, but I always end up having so much fun. I was later treated to Ecuadorians impersonating Russell Peters, the Indian comedian. They were absolutely perfect. I think that alone was worth me coming to Ecuador.
Please forgive my scattered thoughts. I haven’t been writing as much lately, and though I know I can’t convey all of my experiences in these notes, I really do want to share (save for some experiences that I would rather keep a few for select audiences), in part so that I can look back on what I did and how I felt, and also so that others can get a glimpse of that as well. Right now, I’m physically in a slump and certainly am feeling the aggravation of linguistic barriers. I want to try harder, but it’s difficult to break through constant physical and mental tiredness and timidity to use a new language. It’s frustrating how the smallest things, such as infected cuts, can have such a great affect. Adjusting to another culture is as difficult as it is exciting, and sometimes, a little more difficult than it is exciting. You still have to go through the motions of daily life-returning to the same place every night and learning to call it home, doing homework and attending classes…in another language, and all that stuff that comes along with the package. Study abroad is great, but it’s in moments like this, when I’m feeling sick and cold and it’s dark and rainy and I can hear traffic pass by outside, that I wish I was curled up on the couch in my California home by the fire with a blanket, a book, a cup of chai tea, Buster sprawled at my feet, and some Phil Keaggy streaming from the living room speakers like it always is.
September 1st
IT’S SEPTEMBER!!!!! Soka is about to start school. How strange that seems to me. Thinking about how it was for me one year ago…all of that seems so far away-entirely another world. The things I was dealing with then are completely different than what I’m dealing with now. Oh Soka, you haven’t even started and I miss you already.
I’m hoping that my face gets better soon. I went to the clinic and the pharmacy and got 3 types of medicine for the infections. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was any other part of my body, but it’s unavoidable that people notice when it’s my face. I’m half depressed/embarrassed and half amused by all the trouble this has been. Ahhh!! I wanna be healthy so I can go running and do fun things like bridge-jumping and rappelling!

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